I should really take a picture of my face to accurately capture the expression tonight. You see, I worked 5 years for our sweet Big Brother, and well, I think he may be sniffing around for no good reason other than to cover up some major transgression committed, or some greivous act he commited that I don't even know about.
I wonder just how unethical it is for Big Brother's administrative staff to come dicking around my life under the guise of concern. I wonder how damaging this is to the tender thread of trust that hangs us, to send our two favorite and most trusted "siblings" to check on us???? I wonder what that will look like 10 years from now, to someone completely removed and unbiased. Maybe it will look like nothing at all, maybe it will look like sincere concern, or maybe, it will look seedy and underhanded. I guess it all depends.
Regardless, I'm not going to stop writing. I refuse to stop telling my story. You see, 18 months ago, as I frantically searched for validation and "the others" who I knew in my heart were out there, it was through their story telling that I found my peace. That I found my place. That I was validated, welcomed, and never let go.
I do have some seriously disturbing stories about what it is like to live this life after combat, and I never mean to "scare" anyone, I simply mean to continue my mission of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I do so because I know that there are many many more families just like mine, who are feeling stranded, who are drowning, who are searching for signs of life. I continue to write, as if a light in the darkness.
So it was to my great dismay, and disgust, and (dramatically) horror, when I learned that Big Brother's assistant was keeping tabs, and concerned about a recent blog post I had written. I thought my Brother would be happy when I left, as it was clear to me that while I was there, I was often a bother, needy, and irritable. But, He continues to follow me around, and I'm just not sure why. Surely, this will be printed, and put in a file, and stored away....
I find it completely nonsensical that the lack of transperancy is being played off as concern. If anyone in our world was afraid, concerned, or questioned safety or any of the above, they would have the authorization, permission, and actually the DUTY to contact me directly. However, the coward hid behind Big Brother's little bitch. And she wasn't giving any answers. Furthermore, the concerned party (aka Big Brother's assistant) should have contacted me directly. Not messy up the trail by delegating to the minions. The ones, by the way, we trusted. I will never trust again. I've been burned by my tortorous Big Bro enough, I'm not interested in childish games. Big Brother will either hand out his punishment, or go away. I left, now, why won't he leave me alone?
It is a harrassing phone call in the middle of an already busy day, to clarify "concerns over a blog post." Dearest Brother, I have been writing for a long time now, and your concern is just now? Our life has not changed (only gotten worse), my writing has not changed for 18 months (aside from being able to call you out on a bigger platform.) But that is not my intention.
My intention is to keep my husband alive. My intention is to create some sort of living situation on this earth for him to not just live in on autopilot, but actually enjoy it!
Do not be afraid, do not be worried. My writing is incredibly intense, and sometimes alarmingly revealing. That is how I cope. Well, writing and cigs. No drugs, not alcohol, no slutting around.
Don't be deceptive (haha Brother, I know right? C'est Impossible)No one even told me WHICH post it was, only that it was on the FOV website...And I am assuming it was posted on Nov 19th, so it took Big Brother 10 days to become concerned for us..... Lucky for us we've been living this shit for so long, that we often know how to (painfully) navigate these storms. We were treading water, as ususal. Here is the post that caused panic in my nosy, but often well meaning Big Brother http://blog.familyofavet.com/2012/11/the-hell-i-live.html#comments
So. There it is. Sue me. I'm entitled to my feelings of intermittent PISSED OFFEDNESS. Get off me already. Has anyone thought, ANYONE, anyone at all, thought, that maybe once in awhile, I do a little grieving and suffering of my own???? That this is how I deal? That this is how I HELP?!
I just want to leave with the reader, Big Brother, Senior Staff of the house of Big Brother, that you may sit down, read my blog, peer into a little life doing what it is just trying to do (survive in case you couldn't gather that).... enjoy that it is MY family, not YOURS that you read about, gossip about, use as fodder.